You’ve met someone great, and your first date is coming up soon. That’s actually a reason to celebrate… But as a man or woman, you’re terrified of the date—a condition known as “danxiety”!
I know the feeling from myself before:
Days in advance, your stomach starts churning just thinking about this encounter. And the closer the “big date” gets, the more nervous and excited you become before the date, sometimes even with palpitations.
For me, it was sometimes so bad that I had trouble sleeping at night – and in a panicked state, I canceled the date at the last minute (with some outrageous excuse!). Not the done thing, I know.
If you grit your teeth and persevere, the biggest excitement begins just before the date…
…and gets more intense with every glance at the clock!
There you are, standing in front of your closet with a pounding heart, shaking as you get ready, unable to think clearly – except that the date is going to go terribly wrong.
“Danxiety”: Your problem has a name
Almost everyone knows the feeling of being incredibly nervous before a romantic date, with their heart sinking (and hopefully nothing else…). So you’re not alone with this problem!
A new term has even emerged for this phenomenon: “Danxiety.”
The English term is a portmanteau of “dating” and “anxiety.” Literally translated, the term means “dating anxiety.”
In a narrower sense, this refers to the panic BEFORE the first date described in this blog article.
However, many people also understand the expression in a broader context and use it generally to describe worries or fears before , during and after a date.
You may recognize the last point from your own experience: After the (awkward and awkward) goodbye , you ponder how the meeting went. And you fear losing the other person again if they text less or don’t contact you at all after the date .
This feeling of fear of loss is even stronger if you are already in love in this early phase of getting to know each other.
Fear of the date – because of these fears
Is it normal to feel very excited and nervous before a romantic encounter? Absolutely! As I said, you’re not alone in your worries; most men and women feel nervous in such situations—sometimes more, sometimes less.
What are the reasons why people often have such a panicky fear of dating? The following thoughts run through your head:
- “What if she/he doesn’t like me visually or in terms of character?” (especially when online dating, when you want to meet the person you met online)
- “I won’t find any topics to talk about, and there will be a terribly awkward silence!”
- “I’ve been single for so many years now and I’m totally inexperienced when it comes to dating!”
- “Surely I’m not good enough, I’ll never be able to meet his/her expectations as a partner!”
- “How will he/she react to my excess weight?”
- “I probably seem as uninteresting as a walking building society contract!”
- “I’m going to act totally stupid and clumsy – and mess everything up!”
- “What if he’s just playing with me, trying to get me into bed and then dump me again?”
In most cases, the fear of dating arises from the belief that one is not “attractive enough,” that one will be rejected by the other person, and that one will end up in a painful or embarrassing situation.
In my experience, this is also a question of type:
Especially those who are extremely shy and have low self-confidence experience extreme anxiety, even panic, before meeting someone. This is especially true for inexperienced long-term singles who are so-called “absolute beginners ,” meaning they have never had a girlfriend .
Disappointment when your Tinder crush is different in real life
I have also often heard this sentence from men and women in recent years:
“If they’re not as great as I imagined from the text and the photos on the dating app, I’ll be super disappointed. It’ll be awful to have to spend time together!”
In the age of Tinder, Bumble, and the like, this fear of disappointment on dates is becoming increasingly common: You fear that the person in real life will be completely different from what you imagined. If reality doesn’t match your expectations, it’s a bit of a shock that singles have to process first.
Bad experiences on past dates
And of course, anyone who’s already had bad experiences and completely botched dates is naturally worried about experiencing the same thing again. So, the great fear of dating can also stem from being a proverbial “burned child.”
To break free from this, it’s important to gather positive experiences and successes. This teaches your subconscious that not every date has to be a disaster.
Out of fear: Should I cancel the date again?
We humans have a natural instinct to want to flee from perceived “danger.” This is completely normal. I know that the temptation to simply cancel the appointment out of sheer excitement is great .
Excuses pop into your head, such as:
- “Maybe this woman/man isn’t that great after all, so why put yourself through the stress?”
- “I don’t have a chance with her /him anyway, why should I even try?”
- “The timing isn’t ideal right now anyway, because I’m busy with work…”
- “I need to take care of myself first, work on my anxiety. So I’m not ready to get to know someone yet…”
- “I’d better cancel before it ends in disaster!”
But I also know that you are curious about the person you are talking to and don’t want to miss out on the chance of finding (perhaps true?) love.
You shouldn’t listen to that voice in your head that gives you such excuses!
Sounds trite, but it’s true:
You have to get out of your comfort zone. Only by facing this fear of the date and engaging with the encounter with your potential partner can you grow internally. Then you’ll gradually lose your nervousness – because you’ll see that in the end, the catastrophe won’t happen and everything won’t be as bad as you feared.
Fear of the first date: 16 tips for more courage
Okay, so backing out isn’t an option with Danxiety.
But what can you do now to stop being so nervous about dates? In my experience in the field of psychology and personal development, the following 16 strategies have proven effective:
1. Start with a video call or phone call!
The intense insecurity when getting to know someone often stems from not knowing what to expect. “What if the other person is totally weird and it turns into two horrific hours in the café that seem endless?” These are typical thoughts when you’re anxious about a date.
But you don’t have to jump into the deep end right away; you can approach the unknown slowly.
Why not suggest a video call, or even a phone call if necessary? This gives you the opportunity to get used to your counterpart from a safe distance and check for any red flags .
If the conversation goes well and there is a basic sympathy between you, you will approach the subsequent real-life meeting with less anxiety.
Simply because you know that not much can go wrong.
And if the supposed Mrs. or Mr. Right actually turns out to be a nasty beast, you still have the option of canceling your date.
2. Think of icebreaker phrases for small talk!
For some people, the nervousness and anxiety before a date also relates to the initial phase after the greeting , when they’re just getting to know each other. They fear that it will be a rocky start with an awkward pause in the conversation.
But you can take away this worry by preparing a few small talk phrases that will break the communicative ice at the beginning.
It doesn’t have to be anything incredibly creative. Simple phrases are enough to start a conversation:
- “Did you get here okay? Did you find your way right away?”
- “Have you ever been around here/in town?”
- “How has your day been so far? What did you do today?”
- “Oh, you have a really great outfit. Did you match the color of your pants to the scarf, or is that just a coincidence?”
It’s a comforting feeling to have such standard phrases up your sleeve to avoid awkward silences at the beginning of the date!
3. Plan activities that do not have a conversation focus!
What do I mean by that? It’s pretty simple:
When you sit opposite each other on a date in a café, the focus is clearly on your communication.
This creates an unpleasant pressure to have to talk all the time, because pauses in conversation are perceived as mega “awkward silence”.
The fear of not speaking to each other will only increase your insecurity and anxiety before the first date. Am I right?
Therefore, you should suggest a few good dating ideas for shy people . Active activities are suitable , such as:
- Mini golf, bowling or billiards
- Concerts, theater or comedy performances
- Art exhibitions and museums
- Flea markets and city festivals
In such places there is no pressure to talk to each other all the time.
This takes a lot of pressure off your meeting and creates a certain looseness so you can relax more easily.
By the way: Meeting in a place where you normally feel very comfortable can also alleviate the discomfort. By that, I mean locations like your favorite café or a cozy bench in the city park.
4. Get yourself in a positive mood beforehand!
When I used to feel anxious and nervous about dates, I didn’t just give in to that feeling. Instead, I made sure I was in a (somewhat) good mood and relaxed.
You can do this too by pursuing all kinds of activities that are good for you:
- Call a good friend, joke around with him and let him motivate you
- Listen to your favorite music and dance around the apartment (and sing along off-key if you’re alone)
- Watch a funny Netflix series that makes you laugh and relieves tension
- take a bath or meditate to relax
- Exercise to relieve excess energy, pressure and stress
So, don’t hide in the corner of your room when you’re feeling agitated; instead, cheer yourself up and relax! If you can do that, you’ll quickly realize that you’re not helpless at the mercy of your negative emotions.
5. Prepare thoroughly to calm yourself down!
Imagine it’s the “big day”:
You open your closet and are shocked to discover that you don’t have any clean pants left… Then you miss the train and arrive half an hour late for your appointment. As a result, your date is in a bad mood the whole time.
What a horror!
If you experience great stress, are out of breath, and feel like disaster is looming at such a moment, the anxiety before the date will only get worse.
It’s like adding fuel to your spiritual fire.
Inner calm, on the other hand, alleviates nervousness and tension. Therefore, prepare well for your encounter!
It can’t hurt to lay out your clothes the day before (even if it’s stuffy), figure out how to get to the meeting point, and, above all, leave on time.
6. Choose an outfit that makes you feel comfortable!
Sure, you want to show off your best side and not look shabby. However, you shouldn’t force yourself into a suit or dress that makes you feel completely uncomfortable. This will only increase your anxiety and insecurity.
Wear a suitable outfit for your date that makes you look good and at the same time fits like a second skin.
My tip for men:
Clean sneakers, well-groomed jeans, and a long-sleeved, plain business shirt always make a decent impression. Alternatively, you can wear a stylish T-shirt (without a print!) for a more casual look.
7. Don’t have high expectations of your date!
Instead, view this meeting as a practice or an experience from which you can learn something, regardless of how things turn out between you.
Because the more it’s about the sausage (or the whole grill), the greater the disappointment could be in the end if things don’t work out with the supposed dream partner.
This “it’s all about everything” mentality naturally creates even more pressure and fear when it comes to dating.
Therefore, I advise you NOT to put the person on a pedestal and to approach the meeting with a relaxed attitude.
Just tell yourself:
“Let’s see how it goes with this woman/man… If nothing comes of this, it was just good practice so I’ll be less nervous about the date next time!”
And if you actually get your nerves under control over time, you’ll be able to present yourself from your best side much more easily – guaranteed!
Then maybe there will be a second date with this person …
8. Use the power of positive visualizations!
Do you imagine horror scenarios in advance, like you knock over your coffee cup in a panic on your date, there’s an awkward silence during the conversation and your counterpart says goodbye after 30 agonizing minutes under some pretext?
If you have such thoughts, your excitement and anxiety about the date will of course not diminish.
On the contrary.
You become more and more involved in this feeling until it becomes a full-blown panic attack.
That’s why you should counteract this and imagine positive thoughts. Close your eyes and imagine (in every detail!) how it will be a romantic get-together…
- …how you come up with enough topics of conversation right from the start and appear confident from head to toe.
- …how quick-witted and funny you are in conversation – and you laugh together until your stomach hurts.
- …how you sit together at a table in a café, smiling at each other lovingly and holding hands, until you kiss your future partner.
To your subconscious, it’s as if these ideas were already real. This distracts you from negative thoughts and builds confidence for your meeting.
9. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes!
Anyone who was afraid of spiders or wasps as a child often heard this sentence:
“She’s probably more scared of you than you are of her!”
That was nonsense, of course…
When it comes to dating anxiety, the theory is somewhat correct: You can assume that your crush is also a little nervous about the first date with you. Maybe even more than you are? After all, there aren’t only divas and macho men out there with fierce self-confidence, but also plenty of shy women and men.
This way of thinking helps you calm down a bit. It also gives you some (emotional) common ground as potential partners for a relationship.
10. Talk openly about your nervousness!
If you still don’t believe me about the other person’s insecurity I just mentioned, then I advise you to openly discuss your fear on the date—and see what happens.
You don’t have to tell us that, as a woman or a man, you stood in front of your wardrobe for hours or almost wet your pants in panic…
When greeting, just say a short sentence like this:
“Hey, I have to admit, I’m a little nervous right now!”
You’ll see: As soon as you openly address the proverbial “elephant in the room,” the tension will ease – especially if your counterpart responds by saying they feel the same way. It’s like opening a valve together to release pressure.
Aren’t you messing everything up with this sentimental confession because you’re showing weakness? No!
We men, in particular, would do well not to act like super-cool macho men, but to be honest about our feelings. This appeals to women, because hardly any guy dares to do that!
11. Prepare good conversation topics beforehand!
Many people fear dating because of the infamous “awkward silence” that can arise if the conversation runs out of things to talk about. They then resort to meaningless small talk, or worse, they simply remain silent.
These are the quiet moments where you hear the crickets chirping in movies…
You can reduce the fear of silence to some extent by preparing enough material for conversation in advance.
Create a list of interesting questions and save them in your phone’s notes app. This way, in tricky situations, you can quickly consult your “idea pool,” just like you used to with cheat sheets in school!
In this article you will also find some conversation topics for the first date that you can use.
12. Get away from perfectionist thinking!
Shy men and women, in particular, have completely exaggerated fears about how they appear to their counterparts when dealing with a danxiety. They believe that every small misstep will be perceived negatively and immediately lead to “game over.”
Anyone who thinks like that turns a sauce stain on their shirt, a clumsy remark or a “wrong” movement into a catastrophe.
Such a demand for perfection naturally creates a lot of internal pressure and anxiety. No wonder you feel so anxious and panicked before a date…
But hey! It’s okay to make mistakes! This isn’t “embarrassing,” it’s completely normal, for several reasons:
- Such a first meeting rarely goes smoothly. In fact, it’s often as bumpy as a poorly paved road, because you barely know each other and have to adjust to each other.
- Other people often have a much less critical attitude towards us than we fear in our horror scenarios.
- Small missteps can also come across as likeable and lead to shared laughter, which can lighten the tense atmosphere. Instead, if you act too smoothly, you’ll come across as artificial and aloof.
- Mistakes always offer an opportunity to learn from them and do better next time. So, they clearly have their benefits.
So don’t try to be “perfect,” but allow yourself to be “clumsy” and put your foot in it sometimes! This way of thinking will take the pressure off the situation and help you relax more during your encounter.
13. Learn to accept yourself!
Are you really scared of your first date? Are you super nervous? Warning, this is about to get a little more psychological. If I could look inside your head, I’d probably find thoughts like this:
- “I hope he/she likes me!”
- “If he/she rejects me in the end, I’ve failed. Then I was too uninteresting and not in his/her league!”
This is often also linked to the general belief that one does not meet the (high?) expectations and demands of attractive women/men.
Am i right?
Your negative judgments about yourself are the real reason you fear rejection on dates—because you take these rejections as confirmation that you’re “not good enough” (which is total nonsense!).
And you want to protect yourself from such emotional injuries.
Boost your self-esteem! Instead of putting yourself down, approach your date with complete self-love and a completely neutral attitude by saying to yourself:
“I’m okay the way I am. If he/she doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to see me again in the end, it doesn’t say anything about me. Then things just weren’t right between us. We were just too different.”
This way, everyone can go their own way with their head held high and end the contact without having to put themselves (or the other person) down.
14. Flirt properly to experience success!
Often, the fear of a painful rejection lies behind the panicky pre-date . A major reason for this is negative past experiences. Of course, how can you approach the situation with confidence if you’re constantly experiencing dating failures?
Many of these rejections come from the fact that both men and women present themselves in an unflattering way and have no idea about flirting.
Especially when you have been single for a long time , you don’t really know how to deal with the opposite sex.
Instead of having interesting conversations that make the other person laugh and give them butterflies in their stomach, there are only boring dialogues about jobs, hobbies and the last tax return.
Or even worse: you complain about your relationship with your ex-partner.
And compliments or physical contact? You don’t dare to do that anyway, which makes a kiss seem a distant prospect. At best, you’ll end up in the friend zone .
So be sure to learn how to flirt properly ! You can find many articles on this topic here on my advice blog.
For example, you can try to make the guy or girl laugh and tease them. The positive effect: When you laugh together, the inner tension automatically dissolves and the nervousness disappears.
This will increase your success in the long run, which will automatically make you more self-confident and take away your worries about dates in the future.
15. Don’t see this fear as only negative!
Sure, with danxiety, it’s pretty awful to feel nervous restlessness, fear, and panic. Nevertheless, you should consciously accept this feeling first. You can also view this fear of dating as a kind of friend, because it sometimes even has positive aspects.
Here are three ideas for thought:
- Maybe that excited heartbeat and rumbling stomach is actually anticipation and curiosity about the unknown that awaits you? Like before the gift-giving at Christmas? Try reframing your unpleasant feeling in a positive way! (It sounds a little crazy, but sometimes it works…)
- As long as the excitement doesn’t completely knock you off your feet, it can also give you an energy boost so you can look your best on your date. A soccer player doesn’t run onto the pitch cold at the start of a game either.
- The nervousness could also be a positive sign that the woman or man means something to you. If you were completely indifferent, that would be a bad sign for your love, right? If a person leaves you completely cold, you might as well skip the whole getting-to-know-you thing.
So, try not to see your inner restlessness as your enemy, but treat it lovingly and accept it as a part of you.
16. As a man: Create a selection of women!
Dating anxiety can also stem from taking the date too seriously. For many men, this is because they go on dates far too infrequently (for example, only every few weeks or even months).
Of course, when you believe there’s only ONE chance to finally find a partner, the internal pressure increases enormously. This emotional dependence is also called ” oneitiS .”
Therefore, make sure that you develop your flirting skills so that in the future you will be able to easily organize one or two dates a week.
Once you reach this level, the whole game changes fundamentally:
You’ll become much more routine in dating, making you more confident and independent. What was once intimidating will become a daily routine. Furthermore, meeting a particular woman suddenly becomes unimportant because you know that the next hot date will be around the corner three days later.
This mindset means that you are hardly ever nervous about such encounters.
How can you do all this? Watch my video below and learn the most effective way to overcome your shyness and finally succeed in your partner search
